A new study funded by the totally-not-biased consortium known as “Big Chair” suggests that standing desks might be the silent killer lurking in your office. Move over, sitting – there’s a new health villain in town, and it’s making you stand up and take notice.
The Earth-Shattering Findings
The groundbreaking study, conducted by the Institute for Perpetual Sitting (IPS), claims that standing desks are responsible for a host of ailments, including:
- Chronic Smugness: Users of standing desks were found to be 73% more likely to mention their standing desk in casual conversation, leading to severe eye-rolling injuries among colleagues.
- Acute Productivity Guilt: Those who use sitting desks reported feeling 86% more justified in their laziness when observing their standing counterparts.
- Gravitational Stress: The study warns that prolonged standing might lead to a dangerous condition called “Feet Existing Syndrome (FES),” where users become acutely aware that they have feet.
- Elevated Risk of High-Fiving: Standing desk users were observed to be within optimal range for spontaneous high-fives, increasing office noise pollution by 150%.
The Experts Weigh In
We spoke to Dr. Irma Charlottan, lead researcher at IPS and proud owner of a collection of 147 different office chairs. “Our findings are clear,” she stated while reclining in a leather throne that would make a Bond villain jealous. “Standing is the new smoking, if smoking made you slightly less sedentary and potentially burned a few extra calories.”
The Big Chair Conspiracy
Critics have pointed out that the study might be slightly biased, given its funding source. However, Big Chair spokesperson Seth Confee dismissed these concerns: “We’re just looking out for the vertebrae of the common worker. Is it our fault that the solution happens to involve our products? Absolutely not. Maybe. Okay, yes, but that’s not the point.”
The Standing Desk Industry Fights Back
The standing desk industry isn’t taking this sitting down. In response, they’ve launched their own study titled “Chairs: Silent Assassins or Just Misunderstood Torture Devices?” Early results suggest that prolonged sitting may lead to a condition they’re calling “Pancake Butt Syndrome (PBS).”
What This Means for You
As the battle between Big Chair and Big Stand rages on, office workers around the world are left in a state of confusion. Should you stand proudly at your desk, risking smugness and foot awareness? Or should you embrace the chair, potentially transforming your buttocks into a flattened pastry?
Unbeknownst to most people, the real beneficiaries of this feud are the manufacturers of ergonomic kneeling chairs & squat stations, who are reportedly cackling with glee at the chaos.
Stay tuned for our follow-up piece: “Treadmill Desks: Revolutionizing the Workplace or Just Making It Easier to Flee from Your Boss?”