Tech billionaire and self-proclaimed “meme lord” Elon Musk has unveiled his latest brainchild: VoteCoin. This revolutionary new cryptocurrency is already trading at a staggering $1 million per vote, making it the most expensive way to potentially undermine democracy since the invention of lobbying.
How VoteCoin Works (or Doesn’t)
Musk, speaking at a rally in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, where he was busy Trump-stumping and possibly violating several laws, explained the concept:
- Sign a petition from Musk’s “Definitely Not Trying to Buy Votes” PAC
- Vote for any candidate with the initials DT
- Receive one VoteCoin
- ???
- Profit!
“It’s simple,” Musk tweeted later. “VoteCoin is the future of democracy. Think of it as a blockchain-based freedom token. Also, did I mention Tesla is working on a car that runs on pure electoral energy?”
The Fine Print
Only registered voters living in swing states like Pennsylvania, Georgia, Nevada, or Arizona are eligible to receive VoteCoins. Because nothing says “fair and balanced election” like targeting only the states that matter, right?
Legal experts have pointed out that this scheme is “about as legal as using Monopoly money to pay your taxes.” UCLA political science professor Rick Hasen wrote in his Election Law Blog, “If violating election law was an Olympic sport, Musk just won gold, silver, and bronze.”
The Government Responds
Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro, appearing on Meet the Press, called the offer “deeply concerning,” which in political speak translates to “Holy $#*!, is this actually happening?”
The US Department of Justice is reportedly considering charges, but sources say they’re struggling to find a prosecutor willing to take the case. Apparently, even the mention of “blockchain” sends most panicking, after an incident at the Annual Prosecutor Ball, involving metal chains, bare feet, and blocks of lego.
Musk’s Defense
When questioned about the legality of VoteCoin, Musk responded with a meme featuring a dog in a burning room saying “This is fine,” followed by another tweet: “I’m not saying VoteCoin will make you vote for any particular candidate. I’m just saying that if you don’t, your coin might spontaneously combust. In Minecraft.”
The Crypto Community Reacts
Cryptocurrency forums are abuzz with excitement. One Reddit user, ElonsBiggestFan420, commented, “Finally, a use case for crypto that makes sense! Who needs decentralized finance when you can have decentralized democracy?”
Meanwhile, Bitcoin maximalists are furiously tweeting that VoteCoin is clearly a scam, unlike their totally legitimate digital gold that’s definitely going to hit $1 million any day now.
What’s Next?
As the world watches this trainwreck unfold, speculation is rife about Musk’s next move. Rumors suggest he’s already working on a new project called “ConstitutionCoin,” where the Bill of Rights is replaced with a series of NFTs.
Stay tuned for our follow-up piece: “Is Your Vote Actually a Security? The SEC Wants to Know.”
Disclaimer: This article is satire. Any resemblance to actual cryptocurrencies, tech billionaires, people with orange skin, or attempts to undermine democracy is purely coincidental and definitely not financial advice.